A Scientific Ranking of the Most Toxic Christmas Songs
The holidays are a time for family, forgiveness, and screaming along to songs that would absolutely get you canceled in 2025. Beneath every tinkling bell and cinnamon-spiked ballad lies a symphony of boundary violations, emotional labor, and men who think a gift card is foreplay.
This season, let’s deck the halls of dysfunction by ranking Christmas classics according to their emotional toxicity. Pour yourself a peppermint martini and prepare to realize that most holiday “love stories” are just therapy case studies set to sleigh bells.
10. All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
Toxicity Index: 3/10
She doesn’t care about the presents, the stockings, or the snow…it’s just you, a man who probably still hasn’t texted back. It’s the musical equivalent of posting “your presence is my present” while secretly hoping for a super thoughtful gift he will never buy you because you are just “casual friends,” whatever that means.
Diagnosis: Festive codependency in five octaves
9. Mistletoe by Justin Bieber
Toxicity Index: 3/10
He’s skipping the party to stand under one decorative branch with one girl. It’s giving “future boyfriend who texts ‘where u at?’ from his gaming chair while his mom brings him his dinner in his room.” Cute, but clingy in the uniquely chaotic way of a teen who believes Axe Body Spray is a personality.
Diagnosis: Puppy love with an emotionally unavailable stage five clinger
8. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt (and 1000 other people)
Toxicity Index: 5/10
Flirty! Fun! Capitalism! She’s seducing a magical sugar daddy for a yacht, which is honestly iconic. Calling him “Santa” while negotiating your wishlist feels like Freud in a fur coat, and is almost as manipulative as a flirty Trader Joe’s employee.
Diagnosis: Hyper-feminine satire that most men still don’t realize is satire
7. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas by Michael Bublé
Toxicity Index: 6/10
The vibe is midcentury repression with a hint of brandy. Beneath the nostalgia lies a demand for nuclear families, gender roles, and matching pajamas. The entire song hums “Buy the house, marry the girl, suppress the existential dread.”
Diagnosis: Stepford Chic
6. Last Christmas by Wham
Toxicity Index: 7/10
A master class in melodramatic victimhood. “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.” Sir, that’s called modern dating. You’re not the first man to misread a tipsy flirtation at a festive event for true love. Sure, they may not text you back, but at least you have that picture of a butt they drew on your arm in Sharpie.
Diagnosis: Glitter-coated gaslighting. Therapy by karaoke.
5. Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley
Toxicity Index: 7.5/10
He’s the original holiday sad boy, drenching the season in melancholy like it’s cologne. The message is essentially, “If you don’t come back, I’ll emotionally implode, and do it in perfect vibrato.”
Diagnosis: Emotional unavailability disguised as pining
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Jimmy Boyd
Toxicity Index: 8/10
A child witnesses infidelity, or an over-committed role-play, and internalizes a lifetime of mistrust. The dad thinks he is being cute, the mom is just trying to keep things spicy, and the kid is one memory away from writing a memoir titled Under the Tree of Lies.
Diagnosis: Generational trauma with sleigh bells
3. Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band Aid
Toxicity Index: 8.5/10
The charity anthem that invented performative altruism. “There won’t be any snow in Africa this Christmas,” yeah, no kidding, bud. The savior complex is gift-wrapped in guilt and sprinkled with synthesizer.
Diagnosis: Colonialism, but make it jingle
2. Fairytale of New York by The Pogues
Toxicity Index: 9/10
It’s a duet between two drunks hurling insults in 3/4 time. “You scumbag, you maggot,” ahhh, poetry for people who mistake chaos for chemistry. It’s messy, codependent, and somehow the most realistic love song on this list.
Diagnosis: Dysfunction, but romantic and Irish. (Side note and also one of my red flags: I’d karaoke this bad boy with Colin Farrell any day and fall madly in love with him in the process)
1. Baby It’s Cold Outside by Literally Everyone
Toxicity Index: 10/10
Every lyric is a red flag in a gloriously scented, cashmere scarf. “Say, what’s in this drink?” is not quite the flirty banter the songwriter thought it was. He’s mansplaining meteorology to coerce someone into an unwanted sleepover while maybe slipping something into their drink and joking that “people are so serious these days.” This may or may not be the same man who told you you’d be prettier if you “just smiled more.”
Diagnosis: Gaslight, gatekeep, grope. Yikes.
Honorable Mentions
You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch: a breakup anthem for the woman who finally found boundaries and the perfect response for that “wyd” text on Christmas Eve from the man who got her a $5 Taco Bell gift card
Christmas Shoes: A full-blown savior complex wrapped in emotional manipulation and sold as holiday charity.
Wonderful Christmastime: Paul McCartney activated the world’s longest-running case of musical Stockholm syndrome, and we’ve simply stopped resisting.
So this year, when you’re sipping eggnog and belting out lyrics of yearning and passive aggression, remember that many Christmas songs are relationship red flags wrapped in nostalgia. Love isn’t about chasing someone through a snowstorm or performing emotional labor to a fun beat or heartfelt run…it’s about drinking too many whiskeys at your friend’s Christmas party and making her ex cry when he shows up and begs for her back while his new girlfriend sits in the car. Well, that and Christmas movies starring the Jonas Brothers.
Happy holidays! xoxo